I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

- Jack Handey

It's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

- Jack Handey

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

- Jack Handey

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

- Jack Handey

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

- Jack Handey

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh because what IS that thing?!

- Jack Handey

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

- Jack Handey

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go...because man, they're gone!

- Jack Handey

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

- Jack Handey

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

- Jack Handey

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

- Jack Handey

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

- Jack Handey